And Then...

 I've talked with my fucking awesome therapist. It's been a struggle. *looks at his environment, frowns, puts his head down in shame* I've pushed my best friend away. I didn't want her to worry about me especially when she's pregnant. Worrying about me would drive her nuts and I'm not going to let her stress about it. I had to let her go. I'm struggling and surviving at the same time. I just want to go to work and come back home, sleep and do it all over again. I have no ambition, I have no one, I don't want anything from anyone, I'm hopeless, and it's all over for me.

I look all the time for some positives in my life. That's where I try to shine...for the moment. At work...it's to see Ashley. I love her personality and I love her passion for what she wants to be. It's to see Caly, her personality and attitude feels like what I had with B and that time we had connecting. Most of all it's seeing Allison. *puts head down* I just want to say about her...I want to kiss her so bad. I want to date her but I can't. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to get in a relationship with her. It's fun to flirt with her but to pursue it more...I can't. And it hurts. I can't trust anyone with the wall I have for myself because I've been DESTROYED.

I am happy about the times I see these people but most of all that I see Allison...it feels like an arms reach. I just want to ask if she wants to tour Pearl Street and if she says no...I still want to risk it. Still I can't, dated a co-worker didn't go so well vibe. I can't risk it. I am a curse and a blessing but know it won't work, not for my benefit but for their own well being. Plus co-worker...fuuuck.