Not Getting Any Better
It's been awhile...
I sometimes I think what if I didn't meet Jamie. Would it be any different? When we fell in love, we were so in love with each other that it was meant to be. Her Star Wars card states that I would be her future husband back then, now I don't even think that is true. We had a discussion a while ago about everything, we laid it all on the line...everything. I held up my bargain as usual but...she just keeps getting worse. So much so it's holding me down and it's affecting me in a way to where I'm blind to what I do to make her happy. There's a lot of stress that I'm dealing with that I'm barely holding on to. Tonight it was reaching capacity and I couldn't say anything. I didn't expect this, I didn't want this for us. I seem to meet women who like to get depressed and I pour my heart out for not one ounce of trust is given.
That's not what I feel like I'm getting from her and no, not the little things count. I wish they did, I really do. I'm constantly giving and giving and like I said pouring my heart out for what? I'm not sure. She's been here almost for 2 years living scott free and I'm supposed to keep going until her daughter is gone away for college? I can't. Yea of course I'd talk to her about this but honestly I don't think with everything she thinks about me is going to help any. I get affirmations here and there but I feel like they still don't help like I'm still being dragged down. She's the center of attention and there isn't any change that will change her because she's not willing to make it better for herself.
This has been weighing on my mind...constantly and I can't keep worrying how long this will last because I am exhausted doing what I do hoping it will get better.
I sometimes I think what if I didn't meet Jamie. Would it be any different? When we fell in love, we were so in love with each other that it was meant to be. Her Star Wars card states that I would be her future husband back then, now I don't even think that is true. We had a discussion a while ago about everything, we laid it all on the line...everything. I held up my bargain as usual but...she just keeps getting worse. So much so it's holding me down and it's affecting me in a way to where I'm blind to what I do to make her happy. There's a lot of stress that I'm dealing with that I'm barely holding on to. Tonight it was reaching capacity and I couldn't say anything. I didn't expect this, I didn't want this for us. I seem to meet women who like to get depressed and I pour my heart out for not one ounce of trust is given.
That's not what I feel like I'm getting from her and no, not the little things count. I wish they did, I really do. I'm constantly giving and giving and like I said pouring my heart out for what? I'm not sure. She's been here almost for 2 years living scott free and I'm supposed to keep going until her daughter is gone away for college? I can't. Yea of course I'd talk to her about this but honestly I don't think with everything she thinks about me is going to help any. I get affirmations here and there but I feel like they still don't help like I'm still being dragged down. She's the center of attention and there isn't any change that will change her because she's not willing to make it better for herself.
This has been weighing on my mind...constantly and I can't keep worrying how long this will last because I am exhausted doing what I do hoping it will get better.
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