Another piece of my life gone
You know I promised myself I would start writing again. I have not really opened up about anything for quite a while now. My mind races with everything in the universe, it's hard to catch up. But I think it's time to write about it.
Jamie left again...abandoned me like the girls she swore she wouldn't be like. Over and over I keep thinking that but also thankful I didn't come home to what she was going to tell me about why she's leaving. I look around how empty the house is without her but I also look how much of a blessing that she's gone. I see how different she was in the end, she wasn't the Jamie I knew and how much I was affected by it. I didn't want any part of it and so I was growing distant from it without saying anything. I don't know why. Maybe more and more I knew it needed to be addressed but it was too far gone. But I can't stop seeing her and thinking about her every day. There's nothing a distraction will do to stop it. She chose to leave and she may have her reasons and I respect that but I don't want to know about them because I fear I'll be right about what they are. I also have to let that go but it still doesn't help me not stopping thinking about her.
She wrote an email to me to not drink and drive yesterday, that I'm better than that. On so many levels I want to reply what does she care what I do with my life now because she's the one who left me and not the other way around. In the end I was wrong about all of this...us. Wrong as in to pursue it and see where it went. I knew there would be consequences during the relationship but I never knew it would be this deep in the rabbit hole. I was right where it would lead though but I was blind to it. I haven't been very verbal about all this especially when it comes to telling her. From the relationship she was very hard to read and I think it was due to her not knowing what she wanted from the relationship. It started her from not wanting a divorce to being very hard on my case and being different in the end. I did what I could to make her happy and be there if there was something wrong.
That's all I could do.
Now...I'm stuck, heartless and empty because of everything I've been through has left me an even broken man.
Jamie left again...abandoned me like the girls she swore she wouldn't be like. Over and over I keep thinking that but also thankful I didn't come home to what she was going to tell me about why she's leaving. I look around how empty the house is without her but I also look how much of a blessing that she's gone. I see how different she was in the end, she wasn't the Jamie I knew and how much I was affected by it. I didn't want any part of it and so I was growing distant from it without saying anything. I don't know why. Maybe more and more I knew it needed to be addressed but it was too far gone. But I can't stop seeing her and thinking about her every day. There's nothing a distraction will do to stop it. She chose to leave and she may have her reasons and I respect that but I don't want to know about them because I fear I'll be right about what they are. I also have to let that go but it still doesn't help me not stopping thinking about her.
She wrote an email to me to not drink and drive yesterday, that I'm better than that. On so many levels I want to reply what does she care what I do with my life now because she's the one who left me and not the other way around. In the end I was wrong about all of this...us. Wrong as in to pursue it and see where it went. I knew there would be consequences during the relationship but I never knew it would be this deep in the rabbit hole. I was right where it would lead though but I was blind to it. I haven't been very verbal about all this especially when it comes to telling her. From the relationship she was very hard to read and I think it was due to her not knowing what she wanted from the relationship. It started her from not wanting a divorce to being very hard on my case and being different in the end. I did what I could to make her happy and be there if there was something wrong.
That's all I could do.
Now...I'm stuck, heartless and empty because of everything I've been through has left me an even broken man.
Comments
Post a Comment